a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
