Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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