i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
