As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
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