if only i could text you this smell
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
