He uses pillows to masturbate.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
