I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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