I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Randomize
