I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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