Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
