wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
