jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
