Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
