Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
