I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
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Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
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I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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