dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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