I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize