Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
