I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
No subtext here. People are naked.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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