She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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