This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
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