dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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