Your dad touched me again.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
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Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
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Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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