he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
