So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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