Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
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