just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
a search helicopter?!
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
