I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
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