I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
