oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
