Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
