At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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