Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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