Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
We have so much sex to catch up on
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
