Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
you made out with another girl for some wings
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
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