6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
