If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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