She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
