TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
