If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
