just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
