State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
