your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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