Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Randomize
