You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
