Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
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