It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
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I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
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Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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