Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
