I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
