call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
