I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
