The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
