I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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